1) A bum is inebriated to a nearly fatal extent on the metro, nothing new there. He then begins to urinate in the metro car, gross but harmless. He's not peeing on anyone and he has no idea what's going on or where he is, thanks to the open bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 sloshing around in his pocket as he sways with the movement of the metro car. Out of nowhere a big guy in fatigues jumps up, karate chops the bum in the throat (insert audible cracking sound), wrestles him to the ground and is screaming at him, demanding that he apologize to the people on the metro. When I was interviewed by Metro my response was, "I don't have time for this, but you need to lock that fool up. He just attacked another human! Who the hell karate chops a windpipe man? That kind of post traumatic stress induced freak out is not cool. Lock that fool up." (Timestamp: 7:35am, Orange Line to Vienna)
2) Peter Bic was the bum who lived on the Hill who I spoke to every single day, both on my way to work and on my way home, for about a year. Not once did recognize me. Peter slept on the patio in front of Arman's Pizza and had only 2 teeth in his mouth. What compelled me to speak to him was the globe he had in his shopping cart. Bums generally do have odd things but I'd never seen one with a globe and I respected that Peter had one. He always gave me his card, yes he had a card with his name and his website. You know I went to the website. It was a single paragraph that went on for what would be about 20 pages single spaced and it was all conspiracy theory. He linked JFK's death to 9/11 to the Ginsberg baby to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, it was all one big conspiracy to Peter. How did he come up with this? How did he make his own website? How did he get access to a computer? Where did he get his business cards? Why does a bum need business cards?
3) Lady on my block who wears Ralph Lauren Polo dresses every day. First, 2001 called and they want their dress back. Second, why does this woman have like 12 different colors of the same dress? Lady you are single-handedly keeping the entire population of the District of Columbia trapped in a fashion black hole. DC finally starts getting some style and you've gotta drag us back down to yuppy hell. It makes me want to go all PETA and douse her in red paint every day in the hopes that she will be forced to wear something, ANYTHING, else.
4) Conversation between two bums in Georgetown, one of whom was wearing a Santa hat.
"Man you look like a asshole in that hat." -Bum 1
"Fuck you this is a cash cow! People can't resist my Santa style." -Bum 2
A lady gives him a buck as she walks by.
"See man, a CASH COW." -Bum 2
"I gotta get me a Santa hat." -Bum 1
"Don't steal my shit man! You can be my elf." -Bum 2
5) Drunk woman points and laughs at a man's dreads on the metro. Notes loudly how disgusting they are to her companions. Upon entering metro car drunk woman shoves gross dreads man out of the way. Woman is asked by her one of her companions, "Do you know what you just did?" She smiles and shakes her head yes emphatically. Yeah, that was me. My bad. But seriously, fix your hair gross dreads dude and that would have never happened.
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